Home and Overwhelmed

I left the farm just after noon today.  I'm very worried about my parents.  The whole reason I was at the farm the last three weeks is because my dad had surgery on his wrist and hand and isn't supposed to be using it.  That's why I had to do all the chores and farm work the while I was on my Christmas break.  Now school starts again tomorrow, and I can't be there to help.  I worry that he'll try to do too much and end up hurting his wrist more than it was messed up originally.  And I worry that my mom will try to "help" and end up in the way and get hurt, too.  That's happened before, and recently.

And now I'm overwhelmed, because school starts back tomorrow, and I am so completely unprepared it's not even funny.  There was so much that I wanted to get done over this break, and I got absolutely nothing done.  Hell, I didn't even get anything started.  I hate feeling unprepared, and I have been unprepared each and every day of this entire school year.

It started when I got hired just a couple days before school started.  Then there was so much drama with both my foster kids in September and November.  And October I got really sick and had drama of my own.  And from August to mid-December I was driving an hour each way to get to school each day.  I was certain that moving closer and having a quiet Christmas break would give me time to catch up and be ahead of the game for the start of the second semester.  Not even close.

I realized something while I was driving, too, that got me kind of upset.  I was kind of feeling sorry for myself and thinking about all the stuff I gave up to help my parents out over this Christmas break.  But, in reality, I don't mind so much the helping out.  I like working on the farm.  I miss it when I'm away.  The problem is, I realize, that no one would have done the same for me.  My daily obligations are much, much less extensive than my parents'.  But if I had had surgery and needed help for three weeks, I don't think anyone would have volunteered, even though what help I would have needed would have been minimal.  And that hurts and makes me feel used and unappreciated in a way that is hard to put into words.

Anyway, I have a ton of stuff that I need to get done before school tomorrow, so I'm done whining for now.

Deep breaths.  It's going to be okay, right?