Home and Overwhelmed

I left the farm just after noon today.  I'm very worried about my parents.  The whole reason I was at the farm the last three weeks is because my dad had surgery on his wrist and hand and isn't supposed to be using it.  That's why I had to do all the chores and farm work the while I was on my Christmas break.  Now school starts again tomorrow, and I can't be there to help.  I worry that he'll try to do too much and end up hurting his wrist more than it was messed up originally.  And I worry that my mom will try to "help" and end up in the way and get hurt, too.  That's happened before, and recently.

And now I'm overwhelmed, because school starts back tomorrow, and I am so completely unprepared it's not even funny.  There was so much that I wanted to get done over this break, and I got absolutely nothing done.  Hell, I didn't even get anything started.  I hate feeling unprepared, and I have been unprepared each and every day of this entire school year.

It started when I got hired just a couple days before school started.  Then there was so much drama with both my foster kids in September and November.  And October I got really sick and had drama of my own.  And from August to mid-December I was driving an hour each way to get to school each day.  I was certain that moving closer and having a quiet Christmas break would give me time to catch up and be ahead of the game for the start of the second semester.  Not even close.

I realized something while I was driving, too, that got me kind of upset.  I was kind of feeling sorry for myself and thinking about all the stuff I gave up to help my parents out over this Christmas break.  But, in reality, I don't mind so much the helping out.  I like working on the farm.  I miss it when I'm away.  The problem is, I realize, that no one would have done the same for me.  My daily obligations are much, much less extensive than my parents'.  But if I had had surgery and needed help for three weeks, I don't think anyone would have volunteered, even though what help I would have needed would have been minimal.  And that hurts and makes me feel used and unappreciated in a way that is hard to put into words.

Anyway, I have a ton of stuff that I need to get done before school tomorrow, so I'm done whining for now.

Deep breaths.  It's going to be okay, right?

So Tired, But in a Good Way

Yesterday was barn chores then bagging up a load of saw dust from the saw mill and unloading it back here. Then cleaning out the lambing barn and rearranging all the ewes and lambs. By the time I got that done it was time to start evening chores.

Today was chores, then taking the three remaining puppies to the vet. After that was cleaning out a section of the barn, remodeling some pens so we can fit more ewes in the lambing barn. Then chores and docking six lambs and trimming feet on ten sheep, and all the other stuff that had to be done.

And this was after there were five lambs born between midnight and seven this morning.

So tired...

There was one really cool thing in particular. We had a set of triplets born the day before yesterday. We pretty much always take one lamb and orphan it when we have triplets. The ewes don't have enough milk for three lambs, and most have trouble keeping up with three lambs. In this case, there was a ewe weighing 10 lbs, a ram weighing 9.5 lbs and a ewe weighing 5 lbs. The 5 pounder is adorable, and her name is Magnolia.

Well, after chores yesterday evening, mom checked the lambing barn one last time. She could only see the two bigger triplets, but Magnolia was missing. I heard mom yelling, trying to get the mama ewe to stand up, thinking she had accidentally laid on her. When I got there I pulled the ewe up, but Magnolia wasn't under her after all. So... Where was Magnolia?

Magnolia had climbed into the adjacent lambing pen with a ewe named Alpha and her lamb Alfie. Alpha had a rough delivery and is still not 100%.  Apparently she was disoriented enough to adopt Magnolia. So Magnolia the teeny-tiny has a new mama and brother and they are absolutely adorable all curled up together.

For anyone unfamiliar with sheep production, this is an extremely rare feat. In 30 years of raising sheep, we've only been successful twice previously in grafting a lamb onto another ewe. That it happened spontaneously is pretty remarkable.

Lazy Day

Yesterday I saw Terry. I don't know what title to give him. Friend-with-benefits is perhaps most accurate. He's having an incredibly hard time right now and there's just nothing I can do to really help. It breaks my heart that I can't do more. Last night I couldn't sleep, and I was mostly thinking about him and us and the second thoughts about everything that I know he's having. So I typed a long email on my phone. It took a couple hours to find all the right words. I was finally able to send it around 3:00 am. He hasn't texted much today, but he asked for time to think, so I'm trying to let him be for a while. Who knows? Maybe things are about to change again. Maybe not. Anyway, being up that late, I was so sleepy all day. First set of triplets with all alive were born this afternoon. One is really tiny. She'll be orphaned in a couple days and bottle raised.

Dear 2015

Dear 2015,

Welcome! I'm timid. Last December 31st, I was flying so high. I thought I was on top of the world and I thought I was unstoppable. And 2014 nearly destroyed me. I am so low right now, I guess there's no where to go but up... I'm a little afraid to say that and tempt you. 2015, dear, I'm counting on you. Please be kind. Please give me a chance to heal. Please let me love and be loved. Please give me and my family and my friends peace. Please. Please.

With faith,

Lucille

Dear 2014

Dear 2014,

2014... I don't know where to start. You were not kind to me. You were not kind to my family. You were not kind to my friends. I started out so optimistic about you. I started out wanting to fall in love with you. But you hurt. A lot. And you still hurt. And you will for a long time. But you are leaving today, and I am not sorry to see you go. I hope in time I can appreciate your lessons. But today I'm just ready for the sun to rise tomorrow with a chance to start fresh.

Good bye, 2014.

Today is so much better

It was sunny and 24 degrees F when I woke up this morning. Did I mention it was sunny? It's been days since we've seen the sun. No drama in the barn, I'm so happy to report.

After searching for my keys for a good 20 minutes I left the farm and made it to Middlesboro by 2 o'clock. Errands done. Lunch eaten. On to my new town. Maybe for the night, maybe not. Cuddling with the lonely cat in my own bed with no one yelling and no little dogs barking and no barn to go work in and no supper to cook... Feels soooo good. My God, I just needed a break!

Red Sweater

I am in bed.

Before I came to bed I checked the barn for lambs again. No one new. No one appears to be in labor.

Before that I ate supper. Lamb chops. Delicious. Perhaps ironic, but pretty normal here.

Before supper I returned a call to an asshole drama queen.

Before that I trimmed the feet of a couple ewes and gave Winter a penicillin shot and fed the skinny mamas some extra grain and gave the lambs feed in their own feeder.

Before that I unload the truck of grain.

Before that I cleaned out a couple pens and moved some mama ewes and lambs around in the nursery barn.

Before that I gave all the sheep grain and water and hay and double checked everyone was in for the night.

Before that I laid on the couch and cried.

Before that I drove around on back roads for an hour and cried.

Before that I went to a coffee shop and tried to do some work for school but I couldn't concentrate so I left.

Before that I took a shower.

Before that I moved ewes and lambs around in the barns and cleaned out pens.

Before that I weighed lambs in lambing pens.

Before that I fed and watered and let everybody outside for the day.

Before that I put on a red sweater.

Before that I hit the snooze button for a full two hours because I couldn't think of a good reason to get out of bed.