Dear 2015,
Welcome! I'm timid. Last December 31st, I was flying so high. I thought I was on top of the world and I thought I was unstoppable. And 2014 nearly destroyed me. I am so low right now, I guess there's no where to go but up... I'm a little afraid to say that and tempt you. 2015, dear, I'm counting on you. Please be kind. Please give me a chance to heal. Please let me love and be loved. Please give me and my family and my friends peace. Please. Please.
With faith,
Lucille
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Dear 2014
Dear 2014,
2014... I don't know where to start. You were not kind to me. You were not kind to my family. You were not kind to my friends. I started out so optimistic about you. I started out wanting to fall in love with you. But you hurt. A lot. And you still hurt. And you will for a long time. But you are leaving today, and I am not sorry to see you go. I hope in time I can appreciate your lessons. But today I'm just ready for the sun to rise tomorrow with a chance to start fresh.
Good bye, 2014.
2014... I don't know where to start. You were not kind to me. You were not kind to my family. You were not kind to my friends. I started out so optimistic about you. I started out wanting to fall in love with you. But you hurt. A lot. And you still hurt. And you will for a long time. But you are leaving today, and I am not sorry to see you go. I hope in time I can appreciate your lessons. But today I'm just ready for the sun to rise tomorrow with a chance to start fresh.
Good bye, 2014.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Today is so much better
It was sunny and 24 degrees F when I woke up this morning. Did I mention it was sunny? It's been days since we've seen the sun. No drama in the barn, I'm so happy to report.
After searching for my keys for a good 20 minutes I left the farm and made it to Middlesboro by 2 o'clock. Errands done. Lunch eaten. On to my new town. Maybe for the night, maybe not. Cuddling with the lonely cat in my own bed with no one yelling and no little dogs barking and no barn to go work in and no supper to cook... Feels soooo good. My God, I just needed a break!
After searching for my keys for a good 20 minutes I left the farm and made it to Middlesboro by 2 o'clock. Errands done. Lunch eaten. On to my new town. Maybe for the night, maybe not. Cuddling with the lonely cat in my own bed with no one yelling and no little dogs barking and no barn to go work in and no supper to cook... Feels soooo good. My God, I just needed a break!
Monday, December 29, 2014
Red Sweater
I am in bed.
Before I came to bed I checked the barn for lambs again. No one new. No one appears to be in labor.
Before that I ate supper. Lamb chops. Delicious. Perhaps ironic, but pretty normal here.
Before supper I returned a call to an asshole drama queen.
Before that I trimmed the feet of a couple ewes and gave Winter a penicillin shot and fed the skinny mamas some extra grain and gave the lambs feed in their own feeder.
Before that I unload the truck of grain.
Before that I cleaned out a couple pens and moved some mama ewes and lambs around in the nursery barn.
Before that I gave all the sheep grain and water and hay and double checked everyone was in for the night.
Before that I laid on the couch and cried.
Before that I drove around on back roads for an hour and cried.
Before that I went to a coffee shop and tried to do some work for school but I couldn't concentrate so I left.
Before that I took a shower.
Before that I moved ewes and lambs around in the barns and cleaned out pens.
Before that I weighed lambs in lambing pens.
Before that I fed and watered and let everybody outside for the day.
Before that I put on a red sweater.
Before that I hit the snooze button for a full two hours because I couldn't think of a good reason to get out of bed.
Before I came to bed I checked the barn for lambs again. No one new. No one appears to be in labor.
Before that I ate supper. Lamb chops. Delicious. Perhaps ironic, but pretty normal here.
Before supper I returned a call to an asshole drama queen.
Before that I trimmed the feet of a couple ewes and gave Winter a penicillin shot and fed the skinny mamas some extra grain and gave the lambs feed in their own feeder.
Before that I unload the truck of grain.
Before that I cleaned out a couple pens and moved some mama ewes and lambs around in the nursery barn.
Before that I gave all the sheep grain and water and hay and double checked everyone was in for the night.
Before that I laid on the couch and cried.
Before that I drove around on back roads for an hour and cried.
Before that I went to a coffee shop and tried to do some work for school but I couldn't concentrate so I left.
Before that I took a shower.
Before that I moved ewes and lambs around in the barns and cleaned out pens.
Before that I weighed lambs in lambing pens.
Before that I fed and watered and let everybody outside for the day.
Before that I put on a red sweater.
Before that I hit the snooze button for a full two hours because I couldn't think of a good reason to get out of bed.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Today I Looked for Colors
Funny thing is, I didn't find much.
The sky was flat and gray all day. Cold drizzle from morning chores to evening chores. Gray mud. Gray-wooled sheep. Grayish potatoes on the supper plate. My only clean shirt this morning was gray-brown.
I think it's about perspective. And I think mine needs to change. But I don't know how to do that.
I washed laundry. Tomorrow I will wear a red sweater.
The sky was flat and gray all day. Cold drizzle from morning chores to evening chores. Gray mud. Gray-wooled sheep. Grayish potatoes on the supper plate. My only clean shirt this morning was gray-brown.
I think it's about perspective. And I think mine needs to change. But I don't know how to do that.
I washed laundry. Tomorrow I will wear a red sweater.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
In the beginning...
My Compass:
I do not know where I'm going from here. I may keep teaching. I may move away. I may sell everything and start over. I may go back to school. I may wait until the path is clear. I may jump at something new and exciting tomorrow.
But I know the grocery list at the top of the page is my compass for today.
My world has turned upside-down in the last three months. I am still disoriented sometimes, and some days still hurt. But the sun rose this morning in the colors of a phoenix's tail, whether I was awake and present to see it or not (in this case, I did happen to be awake).
- A life that people want to read about
- Stories to tell that make people think
- To wake up looking forward to the day
- Colors
- Deep conversations
- Kindness given and received
- Tough questions and honest responses
- Long walks with a half-tailed black dog
I do not know where I'm going from here. I may keep teaching. I may move away. I may sell everything and start over. I may go back to school. I may wait until the path is clear. I may jump at something new and exciting tomorrow.
But I know the grocery list at the top of the page is my compass for today.
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